Monday, November 29, 2010

For Chad

As I have been a bit serious in my posts of late, I thought I might add a bit of levity. I found the following words scrawled on a post-it note tacked to a telephone pole, as I was riding my bike through the plainest of Minneapolis neighborhoods. The handwriting was so curious very few could ever hope to read it without regular exposure. I think the guy must be lonely, and maybe downright nuts. Eccentric, for sure. Anyway, here it is, verbatim.

Exceptionally intelligent, talented, gifted, attractive, sexy, skilled, impecunious, perpetually under-employed, ever-effacing, athletic, nearsighted, bald but hairy SWM, seeking F, of similar qualities except the baldness and impecuniousness (then again, who am I to judge), near or farsightedness not being a problem, nor hairiness, necessarily. Must like dirt. Or, at least, be tolerant of. Accepting of odd and far-fetched perspectives hardly anyone has ever thought to entertain, or would, or will, or could. Must be open to big dreams with lots of do, even if some of those dreams are so big all the do there is won't make them happen. An automobile is acceptable, as is a functioning shower. Better yet, a claw foot tub. Because if we hook up I'll be bathing mostly at your house. You can borrow my garden tools if you share your vegetables. I'll show you my root cellar if you show me yours. A preference for dark beer over light is requisite, though not really if it comes down to that. I'll buy you either if I think I'm going to score. Though don't worry; any women who scores with me, I'm holding on to (unless of course she wants me to let go.) If interested, write your number on this post-it. I keep a constant eye on it with my binoculars, and as soon as you are out of sight I'm going to take it down and call. That is, if you are pretty, to me. If I don't think you are pretty, I might not call, but that doesn't mean I don't think you are beautiful.

I wrote the contents down in my notebook and left my telephone number. He called before I'd gone two blocks. He was disappointed to learn I was a guy, so clearly he doesn't have very high expectations. Anyway, ladies, I'd tell you which telephone pole he tacks the note to, but I don't think his neighbors would be open to a stampede, and I worry he might run out of post-its. I can only tell you I found the note not far from Lake Nokomis. Best of luck. He sounded nice, but I can't vouch for his hygiene, or his appearance.