I said there were two things I would elaborate on. The first, an elaboration for my friend Keith on my feeling about corporations, yesterday. This is the second.
A feeling comes over me sometimes when I feel very tired of being alive, followed shortly by a sense of desolation and the idea, or rather lack of ideas, that there is any point to my existence. Most often this comes when I'm engaged in the act of remodeling a conventional house in a conventional manner. I was in the remodeling business for several years, during the heady days of the credit and housing bubble. I worked alone, I lived alone, I drank too much and I didn't have any sense of purpose. Those were dark days for me, when I could feel little but rage and despair. Knowing I had to do something different, I set myself on a path of healing, not having any sense what that would mean. That was about four and a half years ago.
What happens is, when I fall back into that dark place, I find myself in a position where someone else has made a decision that is costing me time, or I make a mistake that costs me time or someone else time. When I encounter the former, I think how the thing, whatever it is, could have been done differently, and better, if only the person had thought it through, or thought about something other than themselves. It's not very charitable. The idea and the lack of charitability feeds my frustration about our self-serving culture, and that's about the time I make a mistake, or recognize I've made a mistake, and the next thing I know, I can't see any reason to live, I grow very tired, and I want to die.
There is nothing very attractive or charitable about any of it. It's quite ugly, hideously so when I'm alone. I hide it somewhat when others are around, but the essence of it remains. Curiously, when I talk to others, the feeling dissipates. If the conversation is enjoyable, the feeling evaporates. Alone again, if I haven't addressed the feeling in any meaningful way, it returns. Almost always, whatever I was working on that triggered the feeling, it turns out just fine. People make mistakes. I make mistakes. Eventually, I find my compassion and I move on.
It's far deeper than issues with remodeling, which is only a trigger. Deeper, it has to do with a lingering internal confrontation with my evangelical upbringing, and anger I have for the way in which so many Christians and Muslims participate in the corruption of the world, corruption which has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with the very human pursuit of totalitarian terrestrial power. On the other hand, there are the sky gods who control the Market, who act as if the Earth exists only that we might plunder. And the billions or so who act, in smaller ways, like our model sky gods. Then I get to feeling like there is no purpose, that humanity and the Earth will suffer another thousand years, or ten thousand years of tyranny, or, that our insatiability is leading us to imminent collapse, with all the expected wailing and cursing and gnashing of teeth. If either is the case, what exactly is the point of living?
Four and a half years ago it was often, and eventually always like this for me. It's comparatively rare now. Now I know about quantum physics, that there are dimensions other than the ones we percieve, that life might very well be the rule wherever matter comes together. Indeed, we are living in extraordianary times, becoming increasingly aware of the Universe and our place in it, with the sense, somehow, that everything we know is coming to an end, in some mysterious way. Everywhere I sense it, the quickening, as if time itself is increasing speed.
I awoke after my time with Keith and his family, with a dull sense of dread (which has everything to do with my internal struggles, and nothing with my good friend Keith and his beautiful family). I pulled cards, and they showed me in greater detail where I know myself to be. I went for a walk, and blogged, and danced, and found some great new music (new to me, anyway. Like most everything that's making me feel new and alive these days, its been around for awhile.) Today I wrote the second draft of two more chapters of a second book. I danced. I sang. I danced some more. I'm blogging now. Indeed I feel energized, as if there's a new energy in the heliosphere. And indeed, all the planets suggest there is. The sun, I expect, will soon give us all a greater sense of its power, energized as it is by that new energy, at the peak of its sun spot cycle. I'm imagining now the center of the galaxy on the other side of that sun, and my whole being seems to come alive with wonder.
It seems like a great time to take an immense risk. I am, all over the place, and the cards are telling me that in some way, there are decisions being made on some level of existence that I'm not fully aware of, and everything is fine. Wonderful even. I forget. It gets to feeling a little unstable, uncertain, when I contemplate these new realities with my old self. But more often, I feel an immense gratitude, and joy, that I'm awakening to my place in the Universe. That I will continue to awaken as long as I am alive, with the increasing awareness that there is a great deal more than this life. With an increasing will to explore it. With an increasing certainty that we are all in the midst of a Great Awakening.