Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fear

Reading those last two paragraphs this morning over coffee, of the post I wrote last night in a tizzy, in about an hour, they feel hollow. I suppose that's what they call shadow, my own fears of the world projected out at the world.

The truth is, I am afraid. I'm afraid that humanity is driving itself inexorably toward the sterilization of the biosphere, and the extinction of the species, all species, pretty much. I'm afraid of my government, and my President, who has claimed Absolute Power, the President and the State escalating violence across the globe in the name of commerce, empire, and yet I'm the one who could go to jail for talking about spray paint, or smoking pot? I'm afraid that the world could fall into a Great Depression-like liquidity freeze any day now, from which we will never recover, and more likely descend into a frenzy of barbarism, with the four horseman of the apocalypse - war, famine, pestilence, death - reducing the population by several billion at least. I'm afraid the economy is going to crash, and those two aging nuclear facilities on either side of me are going to melt down in short order. I'm afraid people like the Rockefellers and the Obamas are going to wall themselves off, and rain drone hellfire on the rest of us. I'm afraid the good is doomed and sociopath dominators, controllers and defilers are going to reign enslaving us in a dessicated landscape for many thousands of years. Have I forgotten anything? That is but a brief list of my fears, if you can imagine. 

The truth is too, I'm a mess. I'm broke again, so broke I'm not going to be able to keep my phone from getting shut off, and yet I don't seem to care. I feel paralyzed to do anything about it. My glasses are a mess, and I'm like, I had the money at one time, why didn't I get my eyes fixed? and now I feel like I might lose that opportunity. I've been drinking too much and hardly eating anything. I am consumed daily by visions of mayhem, of my own manufacture, based on the compendium of bad news pouring in from around the globe, which I devour insatiably. What is the thought of getting a job, when the world as you know it is about to end, and I'm such a fucking downer anyway? What is worse than knowing the world as we know it is coming to an end, while almost everyone around me is denying the information readily available for anyone to look at, in an effort to maintain an utterly doomed status quo, that is leading us toward oblivion? I guess, being oblivious?

Meanwhile, I have this toxic mortgage hanging over my head, and all my dreams of what I had hoped to do to this house in the way of taking it off the grid, are no more. I'm finding, if the culture as we know it is coming to an end, I have a powerful urge to return to the place of my birth. That would be a far safer place to ride out the troubles than here.

So I don't know what you should do. I'm not even taking care of myself; where do I get off, recommending behavior, especially behavior that could get you in trouble with sadists who have the force of law and cultural agreement behind them? Better to just be. To find a nook somewhere more or less out of the way of the sadists, sociopaths, psychos and slaves this culture manufactures by the hundred million, and make friends with plants, and good people doing the same.

I'm afraid, and I'm weary. And I'm mostly alone. It's not a healthy combination. I can't even seem to draw up the joy, dancing and singing anymore, or even writing. I remember, the goal of this blog originally, was to be a model of ecologically responsible behavior, and joyous wonder at the mystery of it all. I've strayed a long way.

So I think I might take a break from blogging for awhile, until such time as I feel like I'm not just transposing my fear from me to you, until such time as I feel like a model with something worth saying again. To let go of the doom and just work on my house and garden, to offer it up for sale to someone who wants to live in a cute little house in the midst of an urban food forest, who is not so pessimistic about the future of this city. So I can be free to move. I don't mean to say I'm done blogging, I just need a break from the madness. I just need to let go, and start living again. 'Cause it's just too fuckin' much, and I don't see why I have to bear the weight of it all, if that means my ruination. Anyway, thanks for reading.

23 comments:

Greg said...

William: I want to say something that will reverse or end your fear but am unable to find the right words. I have had similar fears and have felt I was being a big "debbie downer" around my friends. At some point I realized I had to focus on what I as an individual can do over what society needs to do.
I live in a desert environment with all of the challenges that an extreme arid climate can deal you. I live off of the grid, haul my own water and am trying to find the best plants/trees to grow here that won't be consumed by heat and or the local vegetarian varmints!
When I get frustrated, I sit on my small patio and watch the sunset, stare up at the beautiful Milky Way at night and wait. The desert teaches patience, if nothing else. I read somewhere that we as conscious beings need to stay rooted to the earth but reach for the stars!
I can't tell you what is going to help you in your situation. I know that quiet meditation, Yoga postures, walking my property/neighborhood can be very helpful. How about taking a break from listening/reading the news which can just overwhelm the mind? The hardest thing for me to keep present in my mind is that we are all connected!
I recently discovered your blog and appreciate your work, especially what you are doing in Minn. with your home.
Peace,
Greg

John D. Wheeler said...

Don't fear, it's all part of the plan: "And except those days had been shortened, no flesh would have been saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened." (Matthew 24:22 ASV) And as bad as it will get, it won't be for long. ".... Woe for the earth and for the sea: because the devil is gone down unto you, having great wrath, knowing that he hath but a short time." (Revelations 12:12)

I'll definitely miss you, as you are one of the few that make me feel not alone. But definitely start taking care of yourself, do whatever it takes to restore your sanity. I would strongly suggest getting off both the news and the booze. Part of the reason I haven't posted in a month is because I absolutely refuse to let anything toxic creep into my blog.

Don't feel you have to be a model, that is too heavy a burden. Spending more time in the real world and less time in front of a screen is a wonderful idea.

"Going home" is an excellent idea. If that means going to your birthplace, great. But home is where your heart is, only you can figure out where that is.

Best wishes!

mwk said...

A break from the doom is a very good idea. It can consume you, and I speak as someone who has been consumed by it. There is so much bad news that it could very easily take up all of your time, and all of your mental energy.

After a point, when you realize the grim reality of our collective situation, you have to protect yourself from it. I don't mean to pretend it's not happening, the most common defense mechanism of the masses, but to stop focusing your energy on it. To stop feeding it.

I think that part of 'being the change' is carrying the light in these dark times. The world has more than enough doom in it right now, what it really needs is something else.

Enjoy the break, your writing will be missed. This blog, for all its twists and turns, has remained one of my favorites.

mwk said...
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William Hunter Duncan said...

Greg, John and mwk,

Almost immediately after I published this post, someone showed up at my house, in fact the one person in this world who I could tell everything that is going on with me to, the one person I know who could hear it all and listen, and not judge. I had tears in my eyes, weeding my garden, when I looked up and there she was.

All good advice, the three of you give. My tendency, going back to my evangelical upbringing, makes me want to pick apart the gospel you offered John, but I am going to refrain from that, as I am going to refrain from most of the news and blogs of the world, for a few weeks at least. When I'm ready I'll post again. Thanks for the kind words and concern, all of you.

WHD

Martin said...

First of all, William, you are not alone - there are a bezillion of us in similar circumstances out here and you have to know that you have touched all of us who have found your blog even though many of us are 'lurkers' and do not comment or blog ourselves.

Second: Fear is the enemy. It is based in fantasies of what might happen, but has not happened yet - and it may not as equally as it might.

Third: Take a deep breath and let it out slowly - do it again - and again - and know that you cannot "fix" it, whatever it is, though you mightily want to. It's not your job; you do not have that kind of power.

Slow down on the booze and pay attention to the details of your own life for awhile - the world will get along during the interim.

Thardiust said...

My advice is just to put as much energy as possible into what's positive while being aware of the negative. I also thought
this article may cheer you up a bit.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Martin,

I appreciate your checking in. I'm letting it go. I know there are many who feel as I do, scattered about. By sharing, I hope people realize they are not alone in that way - though I do have to say, virtual connection is a wonder, but it is not immediate connection, present, face to face, skin to skin, which I think many of us know, we need more of, meaningful connection between those of us who have lifted the veil of cultural conditioning. That said, I'm breathing, relaxing, and staying off the booze. Blessings

Thardiust,

Interesting, the woman who stopped by today that I mentioned in the comments, spoke to me about the resonance of the earth. After reading that piece you sent, I googled hz earth, and listened.

I think too, that is why I love dancing to African music so much. Origins. I think I'll go meditate now. Thanks.

Tim Gockel said...

WHD, I love your blog. You speak for and to those of us who are not as skilled at verbalizing or putting our thoughts into words. You inspire me to believe there may be another way to live outside of what the consumer media society we have evolved into tells us. I, for one, am looking for another way. Tim Gockel, Chicago.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Tim,

I love my blog too. I was up half the night writing a blog post about Hannah Arendt's thoughts on violence, in my head. But other then checking in on comments, I just need to let go of all media for about a month I think, and mostly just listen. I'll be sure to let you know what comes from it. Thanks for the inspiration, too.

Tim Gockel said...

I don't know if I can see a way out of the hologram though. I have 3 young sons and a 350k mortgage in suburbia. I want to turn my yard into a food forest but feel stuck.

Seegar Mason said...

William,
Last year I suffered an emotional breakdown that, I think, parallels your own. A combination of poverty, debt, and collapse oriented fear crippled me to near suicide.
I disconnected from internet reading, stopped drinking and focused on the here-and-now aspects of living: family, friends, spiritual practice and working on community based projects. If there is any hope for the future it will come from these four things. Turning into a basket case will only make a shit situation shittier.
Take care of yourself and remember that you are loved.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Tim,

If I were mobile, we could do that work in two weeks, with the boys running around the yard. By the time the youngest is old enough to pick for himself, the trees would be bearing fruit.

Consider though, there may come a time when one is forced on the authority of the banks, to do something one would rather not, because of that mortgage - if you can't pay it. Unless of course, Americans pull their heads out of the clouds, or the tv, or their asses, or wherever their heads are that is obscuring the view of reality on the ground, before then. I'd say something too about living at the corner of Rahm and Chicago, but I'm not going there.

CephloProcto said...

Be well,find your path.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Seegar Mason,

I'm glad you found your way again. You are right, those are four things that will be crucial in the coming decades. Thanks, with love and blessings...

CephloProcto,

I am on my path, I'm just not well as of late, feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and at a crossroads. Thanks for checking in.

Tim Gockel said...
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Tim Gockel said...
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Jason Heppenstall said...

William - I definitely recommend turning your back on the media for a while and refocusing. I was just in a backward part of Spain for a week - no internet or anything.

One night I lay on a trampoline, looking up at the Milky Way. A satellite passed overhead and I imagined all the crap it was beaming down to earth directly into people's minds. Yet there, at that moment with no access to internet or TV it had no effect on me.

I spent a week with friends who have been hit hard by all that is happening. They weren't miserable - they are getting on with building something new. It was quite inspiring.

I can empathise with every point you say. I'm also prone to doom and reaching out for the bottle. I've realised though that it doesn't do any good. Sometimes it spills over into my own blog (along with thoughts of 'what's the point?')

Take a break, if that's what you need.

William Hunter Duncan said...

Tim,

That was Val Kyrie. Wise of you to put that together. As to the offer, I'm open to just about anything these days, except that I have responsibilities here in mpls in the short term. Though I can't quite tell you how gratifying it would be to turn the acre property of a former employee of MF Global, into a food forest. I'd make a quip too, about JC being a PoS and yet not even suitable for compost, but I'm just not going to go there (or maybe I just did).

Jason,

A week in Spain with good friends doing good work, out-of-range. That sounds like a kind of paradise. I myself have a harder time staying away from media than I do the booze, and yet for sure, both of late have had a handle on me, in an unhealthy way, that I need to get a handle on, and am, trying. More success with the booze than the media...I've been a current events junkie since I was eight. Thanks for the encouragement, from another doing work I admire.

Luciddreams said...

Tim: about feeling trapped by the mortgage and domestic responsibilities...you might poke around on my blog Epiphany Now. I'm 32 and married with a 2 year old. I resigned from my corporate job and we walked away from our house with no money. My goal was to follow my bliss by way of paying attention to it. Mostly the move was to dedicate myself to following the path of the newly emerged Green Wizard.

I can say that hindrances have been removed by synchronicities. I can say that following your bliss opens up new doors and makes a clear path for you to follow. Your job is just to figure out what your bliss is...and then follow it no matter what it takes. You can put down the mortgage and walk away anytime you want.

WHD:

sometimes I wonder if we are somehow related. To read your words and think that I could have written them...or have already. It's too bad we are separated by physical distance. We could be a great force for the Earth. Earth warriors. I'm not a violent person, but I am capable of violence with extreme prejudice for those who warrant the justified wrath. Some people and organizations do not deserve to breath Mom Gaia's air. If there ever was an Earth resistance...I would be on the front line.

William Hunter Duncan said...

luciddreams,

As to an earth resistance, you might consult RE over at the Doomstead Diner for thoughts on that. As to prepping, I recommend John Wesley Rawles survival blog, even if I find his morality unpalatable, and his attraction to violence a bit too gratuitous.

manray said...

William- just discovering your blog and very much enjoy your writing. You are able to put into words what many of us feel but are not as eloquent at expressing.

I have felt and reacted in the same ways that you have described. I agree that turning off the news can be a good thing but I also have come to the conclusion that letting it in and allowing it to get under my skin can be a catalyst for action. I think that a large part of our decline is that people are disaffected. Most Americans, if they are paying attention to the news, don't react at all.

I long for a media outlet that would be a 24 hr a day Gaia channel. It would present all of the evidence and statistics and tragic stories that are so evident to many of us but are ignored by the MSM. I'm a dreamer.

Keep writing. It helps me and others.


-g

William Hunter Duncan said...

Manray,

Wouldn't that be nice, if there was a Gaia tv channel, in service to the earth! But what cable conglomerate would provide it? The closest I've seen is the Doomstead Diner, the blog and the forum, where articles and videos of such interest are posted every day, in volume. Check out too the climate change work of Peter Sinclair on youtube There's a link to DD on my blog. Welcome to my site and thanks for checking in.