Reading those last two paragraphs this morning over coffee, of the post I wrote last night in a tizzy, in about an hour, they feel hollow. I suppose that's what they call shadow, my own fears of the world projected out at the world.
The truth is, I am afraid. I'm afraid that humanity is driving itself inexorably toward the sterilization of the biosphere, and the extinction of the species, all species, pretty much. I'm afraid of my government, and my President, who has claimed Absolute Power, the President and the State escalating violence across the globe in the name of commerce, empire, and yet I'm the one who could go to jail for talking about spray paint, or smoking pot? I'm afraid that the world could fall into a Great Depression-like liquidity freeze any day now, from which we will never recover, and more likely descend into a frenzy of barbarism, with the four horseman of the apocalypse - war, famine, pestilence, death - reducing the population by several billion at least. I'm afraid the economy is going to crash, and those two aging nuclear facilities on either side of me are going to melt down in short order. I'm afraid people like the Rockefellers and the Obamas are going to wall themselves off, and rain drone hellfire on the rest of us. I'm afraid the good is doomed and sociopath dominators, controllers and defilers are going to reign enslaving us in a dessicated landscape for many thousands of years. Have I forgotten anything? That is but a brief list of my fears, if you can imagine.
The truth is too, I'm a mess. I'm broke again, so broke I'm not going to be able to keep my phone from getting shut off, and yet I don't seem to care. I feel paralyzed to do anything about it. My glasses are a mess, and I'm like, I had the money at one time, why didn't I get my eyes fixed? and now I feel like I might lose that opportunity. I've been drinking too much and hardly eating anything. I am consumed daily by visions of mayhem, of my own manufacture, based on the compendium of bad news pouring in from around the globe, which I devour insatiably. What is the thought of getting a job, when the world as you know it is about to end, and I'm such a fucking downer anyway? What is worse than knowing the world as we know it is coming to an end, while almost everyone around me is denying the information readily available for anyone to look at, in an effort to maintain an utterly doomed status quo, that is leading us toward oblivion? I guess, being oblivious?
Meanwhile, I have this toxic mortgage hanging over my head, and all my dreams of what I had hoped to do to this house in the way of taking it off the grid, are no more. I'm finding, if the culture as we know it is coming to an end, I have a powerful urge to return to the place of my birth. That would be a far safer place to ride out the troubles than here.
So I don't know what you should do. I'm not even taking care of myself; where do I get off, recommending behavior, especially behavior that could get you in trouble with sadists who have the force of law and cultural agreement behind them? Better to just be. To find a nook somewhere more or less out of the way of the sadists, sociopaths, psychos and slaves this culture manufactures by the hundred million, and make friends with plants, and good people doing the same.
I'm afraid, and I'm weary. And I'm mostly alone. It's not a healthy combination. I can't even seem to draw up the joy, dancing and singing anymore, or even writing. I remember, the goal of this blog originally, was to be a model of ecologically responsible behavior, and joyous wonder at the mystery of it all. I've strayed a long way.
So I think I might take a break from blogging for awhile, until such time as I feel like I'm not just transposing my fear from me to you, until such time as I feel like a model with something worth saying again. To let go of the doom and just work on my house and garden, to offer it up for sale to someone who wants to live in a cute little house in the midst of an urban food forest, who is not so pessimistic about the future of this city. So I can be free to move. I don't mean to say I'm done blogging, I just need a break from the madness. I just need to let go, and start living again. 'Cause it's just too fuckin' much, and I don't see why I have to bear the weight of it all, if that means my ruination. Anyway, thanks for reading.