Thursday, August 22, 2013

In the Newz...

Markets were jubilant Thursday, on newz that the United States had finally embraced efficiencies.

"Consumers and the Great Holy Market have spoken," said new Head-Ideological Spokesperson, Priss Lipsmith. "In the interest of efficiency, the Democratic and Republican parties have merged, to create the America Kicks ASS! party. Americans will be better served as a result."

When asked if s/he thought that might be contrary to the spirit of democracy and the Republic, Lipsmith replied, "What is your name? See the man in the mask before you leave."

Not everyone was such a hater. The Wall Street Gernal opined, "Too-big-to-fail has proven such a boon to the banks, it only makes sense for the Federal Government. Keeping up the pretence of ideological differences is a terrible waste of capital that would be much better served fattening the golden calf  (market) (us, bitchez)."

In a question and answer survey with new Head-Ideological Spokesperson Priss Lipsmith, the path for the new government was most assiduously outlined.

Q - The global bond market has been in chaos. There have been concerns that there is looming, a financial crisis potentially worse than that in 2008. How will this new government respond?

PL - No.

Q - No, what?

PL - Next question.

Q - Um, there are some concerns, particularly on the West coast, that Fukushima is spiralling out of control.  How does this new government respond?

PL - The NSA, FBI and CIA have all confirmed that "Fukushima" is actually a low-budget soft-porn film created by a UCLA grad student. All copies including the film maker have been disappeared, I mean rendered - renditioned.

Q - uhhh...There are rumors that the status of the "petro-dollar" and the dollar as the world reserve currency, are imperilled. Many are reporting that the Chinese and the Russians have been acquiring copious amounts of gold, in support of a gold-backed Yuan, as a replacement for the dollar.

PL - The Espionage Act is very clear. ANY information imperilling the ability of the America Kicks ASS! party to properly function as the TRUE WILL of the people, is in violation.

Q - But the Chinese and the Russians cannot be in violation...

PL - I wasn't talking about the Chinese or the Russians. Next question.

Q -  (gulp) The situation in Egypt threatens the flow of oil out of the Suez canal. With Brent crude at $111/brl, that could cripple the global economy. Does this government have a plan to contain the situation?

PL - Mubarak is back. Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Q - But, the Arab Spring...

 PL - (sing song) Rains keep fallin on my head...

Q - similar situation could arise in the straights of Hormuz if there is a concerted effort between Iran, China and Russia, to challenge the dollar. With a weakening Saudi state, that could spell very difficult times for America.

PL - Repeat, three times: American Energy Independence. American Energy Independence. American Energy Independence. Click your heels, Dorthy. Oz is just around the bend.

Q - But there are signs that the fracking revolution is little more than an asset bubble in the spirit of the housing bubble and the tech bubble before that.

PL - WTF did I say about the Espionage Act? Do you remember those text messages you sent to that man who is not your husband? Right. Next question.

Q - (tentatively) Many are concerned about Climate Change, that it may become difficult for humanity to feed itself, if the climate continues to be destabilized. Does this government...

PL - Well, you'll be happy to know that everyone in the America Kicks ASS! party is in fact Monsanto GMO, designed to resist climate change. No worries (Cheshire grin)

Q - (more assertively) It is also widely believed that the military and law enforcement in this country, are self-perpetuating, and growing in a way that is not healthy for the country.

PL - What is good for this gander is good for the people. All right, that concludes this question and answer. I hope I have alleviated any of your concerns about the transition from two-party plutocracy to one-party despotism. If not, the NSA will be recording any and all communications, ongoing. Have a nice day! :)


Martin said...

I offer a well-guarded 'Heh!'.

William Hunter Duncan said...


Equally well guarded, 'Thanks!'. :)


Luciddreams said...

dude, that was awesome.

I enjoyed it immensely. Thank you for writing it.