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From Rooters Newz Sirvis:
US Tomahawk missiles aimed at Damascus missed their target and landed on Washington, Wall Street and the Federal Reserve instead. Luckily, there were few casualties, as Wall Street and Federal Reserve usual suspects were all in the Hamptons fucking $5000 whores and swilling $60,000 bottles of Dom. Military spokesmen were at a loss to explain the derivation, but one expert said, off the record, that perhaps a recent solar flare had messed with the tomahawk tracking systems. Maybe. Obama is safe and being watched over by angels. Congress was luckily out of session, though no members have as yet been accounted for, as per usual. The MSM media is reporting that the missile strikes were a complete success, and Assad can no longer get an erection.
Stay tuned for further developments...
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From Rooters:
In the aftermath of the obliteration of Wall Street, Washington Institutions of Governance, and the Federal Reserve, there has been much confusion as to who, or what, would fill the power vacuum.
(cue giant sucking sound) Billary Clintons were heard on NPR moments ago, soothing the nation. "It is a terrible day," the conjoined twins said, "for democracy and the light of the world that is America. Luckily, we're here to make everything better. We are announcing a new foundation, in conjunction with the Bushes, for the betterment of Obama (and then Jeb and then Chelsea[Conjoined with a Mannings]) as President of the World!!! We are calling it the ClintonsBushes Foundation for Global Governance Over Everything and Then Some. Bread and circuses for everybody. We are hereby, um, recommending everyone in America take ClintonsBushes as their surname, and dispense with the Constitutional pleasantries." A less then traumatized nation was heard to utter a collective yawn. Miley Cyrus immediately thereafter showed her cootie to Jimmy Fallon on network TeeVee, and all of America was otherwise google-eyed.
Stay tuned for further developments...
[correction: Cootie was meant to read cooter. Though the author claims, the way Miley was dancing with mR Thicke, she probably has cooties.]
From Rooters:
In the aftermath of the obliteration of Wall Street, Washington Institutions of Governance, and the Federal Reserve, there has been much confusion as to who, or what, would fill the power vacuum.
(cue giant sucking sound) Billary Clintons were heard on NPR moments ago, soothing the nation. "It is a terrible day," the conjoined twins said, "for democracy and the light of the world that is America. Luckily, we're here to make everything better. We are announcing a new foundation, in conjunction with the Bushes, for the betterment of Obama (and then Jeb and then Chelsea[Conjoined with a Mannings]) as President of the World!!! We are calling it the ClintonsBushes Foundation for Global Governance Over Everything and Then Some. Bread and circuses for everybody. We are hereby, um, recommending everyone in America take ClintonsBushes as their surname, and dispense with the Constitutional pleasantries." A less then traumatized nation was heard to utter a collective yawn. Miley Cyrus immediately thereafter showed her cootie to Jimmy Fallon on network TeeVee, and all of America was otherwise google-eyed.
Stay tuned for further developments...
[correction: Cootie was meant to read cooter. Though the author claims, the way Miley was dancing with mR Thicke, she probably has cooties.]
eXTRA! eXTRA! rEAD ALL ABOUT IT!
From Rooters:
Earlier today, in the confusion in the aftermath of the dust-ification of Wall Street, Washington Institutions of Governance and the Federal Reserve, an all-points bulletin was issued, calling all DHS, TSA, NSA, FBI, CIA and Local and State Law Enforcement, in the search for Larrys Summer, Roberts Rubins, Lances Blankfeins and Jamies Dimons.
"A quadruplet of leggy, exceptionally flamboyant transvestites reported them missing," said a Hamptons Police Department Spokesperson. "They apparently didn't show up for their appointment. Everybody else did, apparently."
Speculation abounded. Social media was alight, most of the afternoon, the devastation of the errant tomahawks forgotten, Syria seemingly not any longer newz.
"Lances is such a big boy," said one of the man-whores, dressed like a peach peacock dominatrix, to Caty Kurik moments ago. "He likes it so much, he's ever so very punctual."
"Jamies ummm, just so...I hope he's ok," said another, otherwise identifying "herself" as "Jamies's play toy."
The nation is mourning this evening. All four were found in the rubble of the New York Federal Reserve. "Hands on each other's cock," said a clearly angry police representative. "Funny thing was, we didn't find any gold."
Timothys Geithners could not be reached for comment.
Stay tuned for further developments...
From Rooters:
Earlier today, in the confusion in the aftermath of the dust-ification of Wall Street, Washington Institutions of Governance and the Federal Reserve, an all-points bulletin was issued, calling all DHS, TSA, NSA, FBI, CIA and Local and State Law Enforcement, in the search for Larrys Summer, Roberts Rubins, Lances Blankfeins and Jamies Dimons.
"A quadruplet of leggy, exceptionally flamboyant transvestites reported them missing," said a Hamptons Police Department Spokesperson. "They apparently didn't show up for their appointment. Everybody else did, apparently."
Speculation abounded. Social media was alight, most of the afternoon, the devastation of the errant tomahawks forgotten, Syria seemingly not any longer newz.
"Lances is such a big boy," said one of the man-whores, dressed like a peach peacock dominatrix, to Caty Kurik moments ago. "He likes it so much, he's ever so very punctual."
"Jamies ummm, just so...I hope he's ok," said another, otherwise identifying "herself" as "Jamies's play toy."
The nation is mourning this evening. All four were found in the rubble of the New York Federal Reserve. "Hands on each other's cock," said a clearly angry police representative. "Funny thing was, we didn't find any gold."
Timothys Geithners could not be reached for comment.
Stay tuned for further developments...
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From Rooters:
"Putins, Ayatollah whoever, Xi Jing-pings," said Obama, under the influence of the Angels, "sitting in a tree. XYZ, kissing tomahawks baby." As he listened to LCD Soundsytems, Dance Yourself Clean, in an undisclosed location, underground somewhere.
"Assad, aSS-AD, lookitme. Future president of the world, supported by the BushesClintons," mistaking the order of things, but then, not really.
"U2! What! Shut it off! Those traitor English! Goddammit, Executive Order, no more god-damned English music in the land formerly known as America."
"Sing it Johnny! Hot damn, gonna ring that Middle East in a ring of fire! Libya, Egypt! Syria! Iran! Feels good god damn, actually, thinking and talking like the Bushes! Fukushima rain down, what do I care, underground! Soon to be in Brussels. Presiding over a New World Order. President of the mother fucking world. Yeah!"
"God dammit! I decreed! No more god damn English music!
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From Rooters:
eXTRA! eXTRA! rEAD ALL ABOUT IT!
From Rooters:
Overheard on the streeT:
"What the fuck do we do now?"
"Make it up as we go, I guess."
"Like how?"
"Be good and kind to people."
"Yeah, but..."
"Get drunk, get high, grow stuff, build stuff, sing, dance, share."
"Yeah, but..."
"Yeah, but what?"
Stay tuned...
4 comments:
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